Well, here we are: the half-way-point of my challenge to describe 10 different ways I have been confused. So here's a salad-bar of confusion, bigger than your standard meal, but smaller than the full buffet.
#10 was a story about having a seizure. The experience was comical, but also eery. I watched and felt the link between myself and my body snap and then cautiously return. This left me wondering if I should really trust the idea that I am in fact the I that’s in charge of me and confused about where I am if, or when, I’m not the one holding the steering wheel. (read more here)
In #9 I shared my experiences of looking at unbelievably complex things and being calmed by a level of beauty and order beyond my capacity to fully grasp. I stand looking into a fire pit, watch a storm, learn the first fraction of how a river flows or a wave breaks and (with some idea of the history of fertilizer) watch plants grow. Things that may confuse me can also keep me transfixed for hours and leave me with a wonderful sense of calm and awe. (read more here)
#8 was about the context in which confusion happens. When I was 18 Google didn’t exist, and if it did I probably still wouldn’t have Googled “what to expect when I arrive in South Korea.” So when I did arrive, only to find myself temporarily stranded at Seoul Airport, I spent a few hours sitting in the wrong places, doing the wrong things and rapidly developing a good case of culture shock. For me, at the time and in that context, confusion was delirious and expansive. It was an explosive, synaptic confusion that came from gorging on novel information without much fear or anxiety. So in one sense, one way for me to get confused is to put myself outside my normal context. But, in another sense, one way for me to be confused is happily, enthusiastically, joyfully, with a smiley face and wide eyes. (read more here)
#7 recalled the times when I felt as if I had tried all of the behaviors I could think of to lead a productive, happy life and found that none of them work. It also described a series of nasty but informative experiments performed on dogs. Me and the dogs both had a tough time. I’m not certain about the dogs but I was certainly confused about the fundamental question of whether or not to live, and if so, how. So another way to get confused is to receive a random series of electric shocks, and another way to be confused is to get to the end of everything you can think of and then ask, “What now?” (read more here)
#6 is about a relationship in which there were moments when something happened - an opportunity flashed into view for an eighth of a second - but it had gone, disappeared into nothing, before I was sure it was really there. It’s about the moments that didn’t make sense... unless... and if that was the case then... Because maybe there was something about us, about me, about her feelings and what was possible, that I didn’t comprehend... Because maybe it was all play. Maybe none of it was real. They were moments that left me confused about what I’d seen and what I’d missed, and wondering, “What just happened?” (read more here)
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